The Leaf Blower and Other Pointless Inventions
(Published: 2018/07/11)
Drive down any suburban street in autumn and I can guarantee that there will be at least one guy out on the pavement, leaf-blowing. I get that nobody wants to have leaves on their footpath but I seriously don’t think blowing them up into my windscreen and causing a car accident is the answer. I mean, it’s simple science that when an object is moving at a certain speed and a stationary object gets in it’s way it sort of sticks to that moving object. For example, in some silly, coincidental movie scenes, a letter happens to blow into a characters face while that character is running, and unless that character pulls the letter off his/her face, it’s staying there until either the wind stops blowing or the character stops running. Now, you’re driving down the street and someone blows a tree-full of leaves at your windscreen. You can’t grab the leaves off the windscreen and you’re not going to stop moving, so either you have x-ray vision, or your car is going to plow into that guy’s fence. The guy will scream at you and if you are particularly unlucky, maybe even kick at your crushed hood. You will defend yourself but who can defend themselves with the story of the blinding autumn leaves? When you’re standing in front of the judge stating your leaf-blower case, I think even the judge will be stifling a chuckle. The point is, there is no point. Leaf-blowers only cause everybody pain, including the people who are blowing the leaves. If you are a diligent leaf-blower, your entire life needs to be devoted to it because every time the wind blows, those leaves are coming right back at you, baby.
There is a solution to this everlasting pain. It’s called…(drum roll)…the leaf-sucker! Yes, such thing exists, and if you’re not a stubborn, I’m always right sort of person, it’s a good idea to ditch the blower and invest in the sucker. Because why encourage such pointless technology, and waste your time doing it, when you could actually be improving your neighbourhood dramatically? You may be wondering where these leaves go after being sucked. The answer is bio-degradable bags (environmental score!). What more could you ask for?
Well, some people seem to really love the idea of temperature-controlled toilets. I cringe a little when I hear those words because I feel like the natural reason for a warm toilet seat is actually toilet-sitters. What are toilet-sitters, you ask? Toilet-sitters are those people who habitually take a book or phone or some other form of entertainment into the bathroom and stay in the bathroom for a very long time after that for that very reason. Toilet-sitters often cause the natural phenomenon of toilet-warming. I personally find this phenomenon to be disgusting and I will walk straight back out of a toilet because of it. Due to this, there is not an atom in my body nor a part of my brain which understands the want for temperature-controlled toilets. Is it because temperature-controlled toilets are the sort of thing celebrities can afford? Was it invented so the typical social climber (not trying to be insulting by saying that people who have temperature-controlled toilets are social climbers. A lot of people actually genuinely like warm toilet seats) can say, ‘I have a temperature-controlled toilet in my house,’ and everyone will ‘Oooh’? I don’t care how cool I’d become if I could say I have a temperature-controlled toilet. I could not live with a toilet like that and I would physically have to walk to the shops and use the public toilets to escape the disgust of it.
On the whole temperature-controlled stuff (though this has nothing to do with inventions), I do not understand how people can like drinking warm water! Water somehow tastes different when it is warm and sometimes I just cannot fathom the attraction to keeping water in thermoses for the day and drinking it above room temperature! So many people like it this way! How?! Apparently it helps you if you have a sore stomach or a cold or whatever but I struggle to drink water for any reason when it’s in such a state. It is actually not possible to translate the sound of disgust I am making into words. Usually I’m pretty good at translating sounds into words too, e.g grrr, eek, yikes, eee! (excitement) and shudder, shudder. Especially when texting people. Why use emojis when you can use the various vowels and consonants of the alphabet to express your emotions?
Anyway, back to the whole ridiculous inventions thing, what is the point of those hats that people wear in tennis with a huge hole in the top of them?! Isn’t the point of a hat to protect you from the sun and stop your hair from catching on fire?! On burning hot days, I sometimes touch the top of my head and it feels like my computer when it goes into overdrive- like an active volcano. So, I wear a hat to prevent this burning, sweating feeling. Why wear a hat that saves your facial features but leaves your brain and scalp to turn to ash?! You may think I am feeling just slightly too passionate over something as insignificant as hats, but this is a serious issue in the medical world! I can assure you that I am not one of those sun smart people that smothers myself in sunscreen. In fact, I’m the opposite. I don’t use sunscreen at all! But I do realise when the top of my head is a bonfire that I’m not meeting my basic needs of comfort! The person who invented such a hat has obviously never been outside on a scorching day to realise what effect a topless hat or no hat at all has on the body. Needless to say, it’s nothing good.
If you are of 18 years of age or younger, you are part of the next generation of humans. Join me in my quest to phase out these pointless and sometimes damaging inventions. If you agree that temperature-controlled toilets are disgusting, say I! We must save future generations from the torture of these inventions and fix the problems past generations have created. Thinkers united!